Tag Archive: personal


The Blanket of Depression


Image found on melophea.blogspot.com

Image found on melophea.blogspot.com

Drowning in a black hole,

Darkness that never ends.

Hopelessness at the end

Of a tethered, frayed rope.

Choking on an unknown lump,

Without any relief,

Everything is colorless,

A rope around my ankles

With an enormous rock attached.

Sleep is the only avoidance,

Helpless like a scared child,

Frightened of yourself,

Feeling worthless.

Crushing sadness for no reason,

Reaching out,

And there is no one.

Feeling controlled

By an abusive lover,

Monotony, sitting and staring.

Train in a dark tunnel

Coming at you.

The demon taunts.


Cold, cement steps with an

Equally cold railing attached.

Long breaths as I climb the them

Slowly, carefully in

My winter boots.

Open the door,

Smells of grandma’s Italian sauce.

Old Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra songs

Play in the background.

It is warm, small, yet inviting.

The scent of light perfume

As my grandma hugs me tightly.

A feeling of being safe,

It’s the safest spot in the world.

Singing along with the music,

Loud voices chatter about

The latest family gossip.

There is a clock that chimes each hour,

Like a diligent soldier standing guard.

Football game in the other room.

Men are shouting at the ref’s call.

Everyone sits down to eat.

Food is love.

Food is family.

Lots of love and warmth,

Security, safety.

Some of the only consistency

In my life.

Happiness to be

near my beautiful grandmother.

Comfort.

Boisterous and loud talking, laughing,

Having fun with each other.

I don’t want to leave.

Remnants of my childhood

Linger there.

My happiest days

As a child were spent there.

Pain of the loss

of days gone by.

Scan_Pic0004

For my Dad


Image by William D. Wright

Image by William D. Wright

Quiet man,

Always smiling,

Always joking.

All of my friends loved him,

Wanted their dads to be like mine.

Hardworking; never complained,

Slivers of metal in his beard

From the foundry.

Never let anything stop him

From supporting his family.

He always found a way.

Carried me on his shoulders

Everywhere we went.

I was “daddy’s girl” for a long time,

Until my teenage years.

Then it was like he no longer

Understood me.

Didn’t know how to handle me,

Or my wildness, my urges

To break free of him, of authority.

Always the protector,

Always where it was safe.

Recliner, TV, a beer,

And sunflower seeds.

Saturday Night Live.

 

Never yelled back

Loved us even when

Me and my sisters

drove him nuts.

He’s proud of the things

I have done for myself.

Sometimes I don’t think

He knows what to do

When I show strength.

 

I find him

in awe of my survival.

Tired, missing his parents

who passed away.

So tired, body aches

From a lifetime of

Hard, physical work.

Never complained,

Fixed our cars,

Mowed the lawn,

Shoveled the snow.

No, girls can’t do that.

Sometimes old fashioned

In his ways of thinking.

Loves to cook for everyone,

Happy when people

Enjoy his food.

Sauce, salsa,

He’s proud of himself.

 


dark_tunnel_by_mgren322 deviant art

dark_tunnel_by_mgren322 deviant art

Anxiously sitting in the sterile smelling doctor’s office, I wait for answers.  Mouth dry, heart racing, I think of other things that make life more pleasant.  My dog, traveling, the love of my life, my child.  The doctor enters and I smile, knowing that this is like when someone feels constant joy that keeps them paralyzed.  I eagerly wait for her words, now bouncing in my seat.

 

“I’m afraid we do not know what is happening to your body,” the doctor says, her tone all business, but a tinge of empathy shows in her eyes as if she is trying to make the situation seem not so bleak.  There are no answers for me today.  No answers like when you ask a weird question that no one wants to comment on.

Here comes the darkness of fear, the unknown hopelessness that comes when you think your favorite fairy tale won’t end well.  I struggle for composure, my hands shaking like a person about to accept a marriage proposal.  My will is weakening; it is slowly shredding and coming apart, like the meat in a Chipotle burrito.

I am a strong woman, but the darkness drowns me until I fight for air.  There is no light at the end of this tunnel.  Only the train coming at full speed.  Nothing but more darkness, pulling me down; it’s a brick attached to my leg that I drag along with me wherever I go.


I don’t often write about personal things on this blog, and I have decided it’s time I changed that.  After all, it IS my blog, and I have decided I’m going to write more about any damn thing I want, instead of things I think others might want to read about.  I love to take pictures to commemorate the small but wonderful moments in life with family and friends, and I have decided to include those more as well.  To kick off this new little “decision,” I have decided to post my highlights of 2011 in pictures.  All pictures belong to me unless stated otherwise.  Enjoy!

JANUARY 2011

My friend Troy made these beautiful luminaries for New Years and I got some pretty decent pics of them with my hokey little camera!

FEBRUARY 2011

The hubby and I had a super fun fondue party for Valentine’s Day with a few close friends!

MARCH 2011

In March, I performed a wedding for a couple from North Dakota.  Hubby and I had a fantastic time!

GOTTA have the Jameson!!!!!

APRIL 2011

In April, me, my hubby, and my son participated in the Fraser Walk for Autism at the Mall of America.  My nephew, Luca has Autism and we wanted to show our support for an organization that has helped many, many children with Autism and families of children with Autism.  You can learn more about Fraser here:  http://www.fraser.org/.  It was really well done and a lot of fun!    I plan to participate again this year!

MAY 2011

My hubby and I attended a Toga themed party.  It was a blast!

I also performed a wedding for two friends on May Day in Duluth, MN.  It was cold, but beautiful!

Also in May was Easter.  Time with family!

My son and my niece

May was a SUPER busy month!  I went to a “Facebook Mom’s Night Out” with a bunch of friends from high school I hadn’t seen in forever!  It was an absolute blast!

Me and my friend, Amy.  Even though she’s giving me bunny ears, I still like this pic, LOL!

JUNE 2011

In June, I took my son to the Twin Cities Pride Parade for the first time.  I very firmly believe in equal rights for everyone.  EVERYONE.  I wanted to pass some of this on to my son in a fun, yet educational way.  He had a blast!

JULY 2011

In July, we went to Cumberland, WI to have a family reunion on my dad’s side of the family.  It was wonderful to see so much of our family all in one place and the weather was perfect!

Hubby shucking corn.  🙂

My youngest sister Angie and her boyfriend, Tom.

My middle sister, Jennie with her best friend, Vanessa.

My son, about to take a whack at the pinata!

Dad, Mom, me, and my sisters

Of course, it’s not July without celebrating the 4th!  We went Downtown, Stillwater to watch the fireworks!

AUGUST 2011

Unfortunately, the laptop I purchased in April of 2011 ended up with a failed hard disk in the middle of September.  Consequently, I lost all photos from August 2011, photos of a wedding I performed for a friend from high school, and photos of my son’s birthday.  I was sad to lose them.  😦

SEPTEMBER 2011

Procrastination paid off a little in September because I didn’t upload a lot of the pics from that month right away, so they were not lost with the others from the failed hard disk fiasco.  Hubby and I took our kiddo to the Renaissance Festival as we do every year and we had a blast!

In September, I caught a fun moment with three of my friends at a going away party for one of them.  I love these ladies!

Me and my friend Emily

Last but not least, in September I also had the honor of being personal attendant for a wedding for a wonderful couple!

OCTOBER 2011

In October, me, hubby and kiddo went to my aunt’s retirement party.  It was nice to see family, as it always is, and it was the last time I got to see my Uncle Sal alive and kicking.  I will forever cherish that.

My great aunts!

Cousins!

More cousins!

I love October… it’s the month I married my husband and there’s also Halloween!  My favorite holiday!

My favorite boys carving pumpkins!

My gruesome zombie kid!

The Red Queen and Mad Hatter!

Me and my sisters

NOVEMBER 2011

November really didn’t have many events, but I did manage to take quite a few random photos with friends and family.

Our fur babies, Lily and Asher

Hubby and Lily

Love my purple streaks!

Ready for a night out!

DECEMBER 2011

December flew by faster than I could keep up with, which is what usually happens.  First thing I got pics of was a Christmas celebration for my dad’s side of the family.

My dad, his brother, and two sisters

Me and my cousin Frankie who is like a brother to me

And of course, there were a lot more Christmas celebrations, and a lot more pics!

We had Hot Dagos for Christmas with my Dad’s super awesome sauce!

My mom’s Bruschetta

Panzanella Salad

Mom and Dad in the kitchen

The tree at my parents’ house

My dad’s sauce! YUM!

Pasta!!!!

Lily loves to curl up on Hubby’s jacket 🙂

Some nice family pics  🙂

Christmas at my sister in law’s house

This past year has been a very good one for me.  Lots of changes, lots of tough decisions.  One thing I didn’t portray in pictures is my biggest decision of the year; to go back to school after twenty years.  It has turned out to be one of the best decisions I have ever made!!!!!  I am very happy with the way things are at present and am looking forward to seeing what 2012 will hold for me, my family, and my friends.  I wish you all a safe and happy New Year!  May 2012 bring everyone extraordinarily wonderful adventures!