The Anxieties

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My heart beats in my chest

Like drums thumping out

The silence.

I begin to sweat,

I cannot tell if I’m breathing

Words echo and bounce

As if from down a long corridor.

I glance around, panicked,

Desperately clinging to anything

Real as if it is my life raft.

I sink down to the ground,

Flinch as anyone comes near,

Fear, fear, fear….

Rocking, crying, embarrassment,

Out of control, so out of control,

Mind whirling and manic,

The shame, oh the shame

Everyone notices, no one notices

Run, run, run.

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ZERO

I’ve fallen to the bottom rung

Not really hanging on

Merely existing

Surrounded by depression

And chaos of body and mind.

I’m sitting at rock bottom,

Amidst the piles of clutter

Closing in on me until

I can’t see what used

To be there.

I’m sitting in a puddle of shit,

Clinging to anything that

Might become real

Waiting for the other

Shoe to fall

Just waiting…..

In Memory of Prince

Image credit unknown

Sometimes it

Snows in April.

Isn’t that what

U said?

Last April,

 it not

Only snowed.

There was

Purple Rain

In Minnesota.

 

Fans gathered

At First Avenue

And Paisley Park.

Sadness, despair,

Radio silence,

The Beautiful One

Is gone too soon.

 

Loved by many,

Understood by few.

But u knew,

Didn’t u?

 

How u

Would go,

Leaving a cosmic

Void for those

Whose music

U touched.

 

Now there’s something

Else: The Afterworld.

Nothing compares

2 U,

Nothing ever will.

 

Your talent,

Your words.

Your creativity,

The way u

Moved us all.

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Black

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I thrash, I fight

I try to keep

The liquid black

From swallowing

Me whole.

The ebony, silk, darkness

Suffocating as it glides

Down my throat,

Pulling my insides

Out.

The oily substance

Of stress oozes over me,

Grinning with evil

Teeth that snap

And snarl.

Newly opened wounds

Cover old scars,

Burning like acid,

Bubbling and seething

No mercy.

Cruelty of Time

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Timing is perfect,

Or perfectly awful.

The only thing I

Can count on is

For shit to

Go wrong.

 

Why? Why, I ask,

Does my fate have

The uncanny ability

To treat me like

An abusive lover.

Timing is a

Cruel joke,

Made to make

One sweat out life.

 

And, for what?

The glorious feeling

Of stress and despair?

What is the point?

Devilish laughter

Comes from

Father Time.

Fate colludes with

Him gladly.

The suffering

Of the peons

Pleases them

Greatly.

For Anne Boleyn

Henry and Anne – Image source unknown

“Entice the King!”

They said.

“It will be grand!”

They promised.

“All will be glorious!”

They exclaimed.

They enticed her

As she enticed her King

Spinning tails, promises

Of sweet love.

Soon the enticer

Became the enticed.

Ravenous, fierce

Primal desires

Fed one another

Like oxygen

To a flame.

The flame

Burned, hotter,

Scalding.

Then one day

It blew up.

Bitter

Disappointments

Loss of love,

Bleeding,

Children not

Held.

No heir.

Then the

Ultimate

Betrayal.

Her King was

Now enticed

by another.

Promises made

Not kept;

Chaos ensued.

Once regal, proud,

Beautiful.

Highest of

The high,

Now brought

So low.

Death awaits

And then stalls

As the blade

Fails to arrive.

Finally, she is

Now enticed

By death,

By her peace

By being pariah

No more.

Worst Case Scenario

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I am paralyzed

You are no

Longer with me.

I can no

Longer breathe.

My soul

And my future

Wrapped up

In your delicious,

Warm, strong arms

Is now crushed

Under the weight

Of what never was.

I can no

Longer fathom

A world with color.

I will never

Again be whole.

It was always

You.

Now it

Isn’t.

And I am alone,

Dark, longing,

Hating that I

Ever allowed

Myself to be

Sucked into

Your web of lies.

Knowing you

So well,

You would think

I would have

Known the truth.

I did,

I just

Turned my

Back on it.

I am drowning.

I am overcome.

I am without ME.

I am without YOU.

I am without LIFE.

Ode to an Alcoholic

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He’s life’s bitch,

A slave to his bottle,

Fucked up, sad boy,

Everything is

Not his fault.

He’s life’s bitch,

His job sucks,

His Windsor

Isn’t cold enough,

He’s all alone.

He’s life’s bitch,

Darkness,

bleak and drunk,

No shower for weeks,

The stench of

Depression.

Holding onto the walls

As you stumble

Around the house,

Drink until you

Pass out every

Fucking night.

Renewal

Image via Pinterest (photgrapher unknown)

I am a changeling

In this season of renewal

Inviting the metamorphosis

Of becoming a butterfly.

Colors warm the earth

Vivid, sparkling greens and blues

Quiet violets and tulips

Reaching for the sun

With jade leaves.

Spring rains kiss the grass

As Daffodils stand proudly

And I flit and I pause

To exchange pleasantries

With the happy daisies.

She Fades

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She bleeds out,

Onto the floor.

Doctors work

Furiously

To save her life.

She sees

The bright lights

Shining above her head.

She is fading,

The doctor tries to

Convince her to stay

With a blink,

She is gone.

The lights

Fade to black.

There is nothing.